"Your blogging career has come to an end" he said this morning while walking to the university. "What? It has just begun!" I said feeling annoyed. But he was right you know. Something happened recently when I went to Belgium for a week. But before I get into the details here's a story to set the premise for my dilemma.
One day a frog happened to come across a centipede. The sight of the smooth functioning of its hundred legs left the frog dumbstruck. He exclaimed "I find it difficult to manage my two legs sometimes how do you do it with more than a hundred of them?" It was a simple and honest statement of admiration but it made the centipede conscious of his ability. Since then he was never able to walk without his legs getting tangled.
Now imagine a scenario in which let's say you are a practitioner of the Art of Living and after months of living the good life you happen to get the golden chance of meeting Shri Shri Ravi Shankar in person and spend some time with him. Let's say during that time spent Shri Shri tells you that he has been keeping a close watch on you and has taken note of the way you practice his ways. What would your reaction be? Happiness? Yes. Profound happiness. For a while. And then what? Then you become conscious of what has just happened and all you want to do is do things to impress him (maybe?) or maybe you get so paralysed with being conscious about it that you simply become unable to do the exact thing that was effortless to you.
And that is exactly what seems to be happening to me. Here I was happily blogging, mainly for the purpose of letting my friends know about things I found peculiar here and then Belgium happened. Let's just say that the Shri Shri, Jesus Christ of my universe who I went to meet mentioned that he had read my blog and even briefly discussed a few parts from it. At first I was paralysed with happiness. In my mind I kept telling myself "He has read my blog! He has read my blog! He has read my blog!". After a day of mulling over the far more important things we talked about, the same thought came into my mind and this time with a completely different tone. I felt like how probably Adam and Eve must have felt when they realized they were naked after committing the original sin. This time I felt paralysed with shame. He, who is what he is because of the way he thinks, acts, writes and guides, he had read my blog. My silly silly blog. At that moment how I wished I had wisdom and wrote insightfully with more finesse and class.
It has been almost twenty days since I met him. While the rest of the things in my life are going according to the scheme of the larger framework I find that I am unable to go back and look at my blog let alone re-read the post that he had read. And probably I would have put off writing any more posts till I had something eye-opening and mind-blowing to write about, something I wouldnt be ashamed of if he happens to read my blog again (which might have taken years) if my dear dear friend had not remarked this morning that my blog writing career had come to an end.
At this point I have only two options. Either wait to get enlightened and then disperse pearls of wisdom or write a couple of lame posts to get over the Centipede Syndrome. You know the choice I made :-)
One day a frog happened to come across a centipede. The sight of the smooth functioning of its hundred legs left the frog dumbstruck. He exclaimed "I find it difficult to manage my two legs sometimes how do you do it with more than a hundred of them?" It was a simple and honest statement of admiration but it made the centipede conscious of his ability. Since then he was never able to walk without his legs getting tangled.
Now imagine a scenario in which let's say you are a practitioner of the Art of Living and after months of living the good life you happen to get the golden chance of meeting Shri Shri Ravi Shankar in person and spend some time with him. Let's say during that time spent Shri Shri tells you that he has been keeping a close watch on you and has taken note of the way you practice his ways. What would your reaction be? Happiness? Yes. Profound happiness. For a while. And then what? Then you become conscious of what has just happened and all you want to do is do things to impress him (maybe?) or maybe you get so paralysed with being conscious about it that you simply become unable to do the exact thing that was effortless to you.
And that is exactly what seems to be happening to me. Here I was happily blogging, mainly for the purpose of letting my friends know about things I found peculiar here and then Belgium happened. Let's just say that the Shri Shri, Jesus Christ of my universe who I went to meet mentioned that he had read my blog and even briefly discussed a few parts from it. At first I was paralysed with happiness. In my mind I kept telling myself "He has read my blog! He has read my blog! He has read my blog!". After a day of mulling over the far more important things we talked about, the same thought came into my mind and this time with a completely different tone. I felt like how probably Adam and Eve must have felt when they realized they were naked after committing the original sin. This time I felt paralysed with shame. He, who is what he is because of the way he thinks, acts, writes and guides, he had read my blog. My silly silly blog. At that moment how I wished I had wisdom and wrote insightfully with more finesse and class.
It has been almost twenty days since I met him. While the rest of the things in my life are going according to the scheme of the larger framework I find that I am unable to go back and look at my blog let alone re-read the post that he had read. And probably I would have put off writing any more posts till I had something eye-opening and mind-blowing to write about, something I wouldnt be ashamed of if he happens to read my blog again (which might have taken years) if my dear dear friend had not remarked this morning that my blog writing career had come to an end.
At this point I have only two options. Either wait to get enlightened and then disperse pearls of wisdom or write a couple of lame posts to get over the Centipede Syndrome. You know the choice I made :-)
7 comments:
Hahahaha Tess, I completely get your blog post. That's part of the reason I'm so reluctant to write a blog post, I'm always thinking about how it will be perceived by others... That's a pretty good way of putting a damper on things. I'm glad your friend pointedly told you that you will no longer write and I'm happier still seeing that you have decided to continue writing instead of waiting for something momentous to happen before you write again.
A blogger write for himself/herself. Screw living your life according to what others deem right or wrong, even if that someone is your guru. Discover the narcissistic, self-indulgent, happy-making factor of just being answerable to yourself... then screw being a centipede, you will learn to discover that what appears a narcissist, is actually someone who just relies on his or her own power and has faith in that, independent of the reactions or actions, thoughts or beliefs of others. That person has discovered their own power and relies on that. The outside then grows to be an extension of the inside and the reactions of the others are mirrors of the mirror you hold up for yourself.... :):) xx
writes* typo. :)
Here, to my eyes, you began happily... then got affected by knowing eyes and then further allowed only the pursuance of the fellow traveller/friend to influence/inspire you to begin again!! STOP letting people affect you so much... rely on the God within... remember... Emperors do that!! :D
If I had to re-analyse the centipede syndrome I'd say that the reason that this someone read your blog, is because he/she, like the frog, loved the way the you, like the little centipede, could crawl through an absolutely new life so beautifully and enjoy every moment of it, despite the fear of tripping or falling. I am sure his/her curiosity of what makes this girl tick drew him/her in to read your work. The fact that your blog is being read by this someone, should move you to write more. It is an opportunity and a platform to reveal your real and unabashed side to a person you truly revere. Don't stop writing, you will only deny this person of what he/she actually is seeking out for. You might be the centipede here, but you have the chance to change the moral of this story...So keep penning your thoughts. It is where you truly belong.
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