Of Heineken, Holland and Aubergine.

 3^rd September, 2015.

Dear brother,

Sitting at a desk beside an open window with a view of the city centre’s towers, I am just a few hours from going back to Pardubice after spending a nice long summer in Ghent (Belgium). Reflecting on how the last two months were spent, I cannot help but feel amused by a lot of things that I learnt about Europe by being here with my research group. So I am going to write to you about some of the things that might be of interest to you.

For the longest part of this summer there were some of us, Indians, who are the younglings/interns/call-us-whatever of the group who had come to the Centre to study. Dutifully, our senior members gave us periodical run downs on the different kinds of people who make up the population of this great continent during lunch breaks or whenever there was a gathering in the evenings. With all the things I heard, I cannot help thinking about how back in India we think of some cities of Europe.

A year ago, I accompanied you for what was going to be my first Euro-trip. Not wanting to spend a lot of money and owing to my base being in central Europe, we decided to tour mainly the eastern and central parts of it. However, we chose one city from the western part which we simply did not want to leave out. That this city was Amsterdam is not something that should come as a surprise to anyone. The four days spent there were arguably some of the best days of my stay in this continent. Among the many many things we did there, the Heineken Experience is one that needs a mention for what I am about to say. Like other Indians who have visited Amsterdam, we could not stop talking about what an amazing experience the tour of the brewery was. After the trip, we made it a point to have only Heineken beer at drinking sessions in India because we were convinced that it is better than the rest (because as the staff at the brewery told us, “It has yeast ‘A’” and obviously as experts on beer, we understand what that means, unlike other Indian mortals). 

© Don Martin

Now let us agree that Belgium has some of the best beers in the world because that really is the case and we did try some of them while being in Amsterdam. Being in Belgium for the last two months, I noticed that within minutes of spending time with any Belgian, it becomes clear how proud they are of their beers and how this industry forms an integral part of their national identity. Also about their opinion of beer from their Dutch neighbours. During this summer in Belgium I made a one-day trip to Amsterdam again with the company I had in Ghent on a weekend. To my utter surprise and amusement, I was told that Belgians call Heineken “horse-piss” or “drainage-water”. Some days ago, seeing a can of Heineken that had somehow made its way to the house I lived in, my host declared that this brand of beer should never be brought into his house. This declaration was followed by statements that by now I had heard many Belgians echo about this beer. Brother, we were utterly mistaken. Heineken is not the best beer in the world L It is bottled horse-piss glorified as beer to us, the poor people from the Third-World. And as we thought, Amsterdam is not the greatest city in the world. The Belgians never miss an opportunity to ridicule the Dutch from the Netherlands. Listening to their reasons and the personal experience of an Indian friend who lived in Netherlands for a considerable amount of time, I am not surprised that such an attitude has brewed towards the Hollanders. I was told by many people, even the Germans that Amsterdam is the only tolerable place in the Netherlands.

Remember in school we were taught about how good the cows of Holland were and how its cattle industry was the chief reason behind Holland being one of the most-sought after country for animal husbandry. Of course, they have good cows. And their’s is a land of over-flowing milk. But even then, they are known to be the stingiest people in the world. Should it come as a surprise that the phrase ‘going Dutch’ has a mention of the people of this country? Remember how I had told you long ago that these Europeans have strange practices for paying bills and each person pays for only what they had? I would not be surprised if the practice began in Holland. Also, they are not well-known for their hospitality skills. I have heard plenty of such experiences from people of all nationalities but let me recount just one to make you understand how stingy these people can be. So there is this guy from India who went to Netherlands for an international sailing competition. He has been for many such competitions all over the world. So he was surprised to find out that in Holland and only in Holland, despite it being an international competition, the participants were not given food and refreshments. Apparently the Dutch never provide such amenities because you see, their principle belief is that money should not be spent. The maximum they do in such cases, which did not happen at this competition, is that they provide milk and their typical bread with raisins. That is all! You know how we make fun of Marwadis for being stingy? The Dutch can put the Marwadis to shame when it comes to this! At least the Marwadis treat their guests beautifully and provide them with way more refreshments than one can handle.

As my image of Netherlands came crumbling down and became less glorious, I could only think of you and feel sorry for how wasted you might feel your feelings for the country was. As an attempt to make you feel better, let us cherish memories of the other good places we enjoyed visiting like the Our Lord in the Attic Church, the Anne FrankHuis but not and definitely not that abomination of a tourist spot, namely, the Oude Kerk. Oh wait, sorry for bringing that up. The thought of that Church still makes my blood boil.

On a completely different note, there is something I noticed only recently although I had been seeing it the whole time. I was invited to a friend’s place recently and the Belgian, who is a remarkable cook made an amazing dinner. I especially liked the starter which had aubergine as its base ingredient. Yes, I call brinjal aubergine while I am here because it sounds classier and nobody has heard of brinjal. I asked the cook what it was and this was the reply- “this is aubergine with mozzarella cheese, olive oil, etc., etc.” It was then that it struck me. You ask most Europeans what the name of a particular dish is and it often contains all the ingredients of the dish. If you do not believe it, watch Masterchef Australia or US again. When the judge asks “what did you make?”, out comes the response “I made a steak with garlic sauce and pepper with french beans sautéed in olive oil on the side”. You see the difference? When we are asked what we made we generally say saambaar. The only reason I can think of is, is because if we start stating all the ingredients of the dish, because we have so many, by the time the dish gets fully christened, it might have reached the large intestine of the person eating it. Imagine what saambaar would have been called if it was a European making it. S/He would have said “This is a stew made of okra, drumsticks, carrot, radish, pumpkin, potatoes, tomatoes, aubergine and onions with roasted lentils, dried whole red chilies, fenugreek seeds, coriander seeds, asafoetida, curry leaves with cumin, black pepper, grated coconut, cinnamon and tamarind pulp (phew!). And I am pretty sure I have left many ingredients out.

Okay then, I have to pack my bag now as I have to leave for Czech early morning tomorrow. Autumn is coming and Czech becomes even more beautiful in this season.

Love,

T.